Okay.

I know I suggested a while back that I was going to avoid talking about Can't-Write-Well's Iron Man run for the foreseeable future because, basically, doing so felt like homework. But I guess I lied. 

I've already posted my quick and dirty response to the announcement of Tony's impending proposal to Patsy Walker. But I also need to briefly comment upon the fractal wrongness of the issue that dropped just this week.

Context: Tony has been all-powerful for a few issues now, and he's elected to use his newfound "godhood" to make everyone in the greater NYC area as smart as he is. This has caused chaos because those in working class jobs - like, for example, the officers of the NYPD - have all walked away to pursue (what Can't-Write-Well believes to be) more intellectually fulfilling activities (like space travel or scientific research). Meanwhile, Patsy, Rhodey, and the team of Z-list heroes our aforementioned writer has decided to use instead of, well, anyone recognizable who would care about Tony's wellbeing have responded to Tony's warping of reality by allying themselves with Dr. Doom.

Yes, the premise is stupid as eff. And yes, it's also really insulting to working class people. As someone else online has asked, "Does Cantwell think smart people only want to be scientists and engineers?" Is there no such thing as a longshoreman philosopher? Or a coal-miner who reads Tolstoy in his spare time? But the thing that really ticks me off in Iron Man #17 is, well, this part:

The implication here is that Tony is, at heart, a seething cauldron of insecurity who fears that Rhodey might be a better Iron Man than he is -- that, in fact, Tony is desperate to guard his title against all usurpers.

Yeah.

So.

The problem here is that I'm right in the middle of introducing muh YouTube kings to Denny O'Neil's run from the early 80's, in which Tony becomes a non-functional, homeless alcoholic and Rhodey assumes the Iron Man role in his place. And uh -- even after Tony gets back on the wagon, he doesn't immediately demand Rhodey return the armor, nor does he evince any conviction that Rhodey has taken something that belongs to him. Actually, if you imagine an attitude that would sit 180 degrees opposed to this sort of jealousy, you'll hit Tony's reaction exactly. See also: the evidence I'm about to present from issues #183-192 and issue #200.

First, here's Tony standing on the sidelines and watching one of Rhodey's battles. He wants to help, yes -- but he also acknowledges, without rancor, that "it has to be his show."

And here's Tony straight-up stating outright that Rhodey might make a better Iron Man:

Then there's this:

During this period, Tony is quite conflicted about his Iron Man identity. There's a big part of him that's convinced Iron Man is the reason he started hitting the sauce -- and there's another part of him that's still attracted to the hero life because, frustrations and sorrow aside, it also fulfilled him as a person, allowing him to be his true self and inspiring healthy pride in the good he could do. But you know what does not pique his interest at this point? Telling Rhodey he can't be Iron Man anymore.

In fact, when Rhodey starts to fear that Tony will take his mantle back - and gets into a giant fight with his best friend because of this fear - this is what Tony does:

Over and over again, Tony tells Rhodey to keep the armor, agreeing that Rhodey has earned the privilege by covering for Tony while the latter was abdicating his responsibilities sucking down booze in Bowery gutters:

Hell: even when Tony finally decides to reassume the Iron Man role (in his Silver Centurion armor) in issue #200, he still lets Rhodey keep the old rig (anticipating Rhodey's future as War Machine):

The bottom line here is that Tony doesn't view Rhodey as competition -- or as a threat to his "ego". On the contrary, he views Rhodey as a trusted friend and a hero in his own right.

Sigh. Current Year Iron Man would be fixed in a heartbeat if, for the love of Christ, Can't-Write-Well would just sit down and read Denny O'Neil's run.

ETA: For those who may be wondering why I'm not highlighting Tony's losing control and killing e'ryone at the end as the worst element of this comic, well -- I'm pretty sure they're going to undo that pretty quickly before Tony gives up his cosmic powers. Thus, while that's absolutely awful too, it just doesn't hit me in quite the same way. 

ETA 2, Electric Boogaloo: Okay, on second thought, after talking with folks on social media, I'm hating that ending more and more -- not because Tony kills all his friends (which, I'm still certain, is going to be reversed), but because it's the sight of Patsy that stops his rampage. 

See? See? Tony recovers his senses because of the strength of his luuuurve! Isn't that so romantic? Aren't these two just the perfect superhero couple?

*sound of yours truly attempting to barf up a few feet of intestine*

No. This isn't earned. This doesn't feel sincere. It feels like Can't-Write-Well is forcing a relationship on me that's shown no sign of being healthy for either character. If Patsy truly believes that Tony needs to be "fixed," she should run away for the sake of her own self-respect. And Tony? Tony needs to find a woman who acknowledges his history with mental illness and truly likes him as a person -- not as a charity case.

Tony/Patsy is like "fetch". It's never going to be a thing in my universe.